


Ghosts of the Past

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Future, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-24
Updated: 2007-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-27 09:51:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12078663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: What happens when a ghost from Brian's past turns up in a most unlikey place?





	Ghosts of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: _Post-513 about 2 years. I’m working under the assumption that Gus was 5 when 513 aired and would have been in kindergarten. Characters belong to Cowlip and Showtime. I’ve referenced some events from the book “Always Have, Always Will” by Quinn Brockton. No copyright infringement is intended. I’m only having some harmless fun with them. Due to the subject matter, please remember that this is just FICTION. If any of the names accidentally happen to be real people, it’s only an accident. The names are purely fictional and they are in NO way a representation of real people or real events. Again, it’s FICTION, of the fannish, god-I-miss-the-show kind and that’s all.  Thank you to Ev for her help, patience and ideas!  This story is so much better thanks to her._  


* * *

The call started out like any other. Gus had just started second grade and had taken to calling Brian almost daily. Gus enjoyed the grown up feeling having his own phone gave him and Brian loved being able to talk to Gus so freely. They talked about everything from Gus's day at school to Brian's day at work, sports to school, Toronto to Pittsburgh, Justin to Stacy (the little girl in Gus's class he seemed to have a crush on), and everything in between. It was well worth the expense of the long distance calls every month. Gus lived farther away, but Brian had never felt closer to him.  
  
Melanie had put up one hell of a fight last year over Gus having his own phone, but Brian insisted that he should be able to call his father any time he wanted without having to ask his mothers for permission. It was a tedious argument, but Brian won in the end since his son was living in another country these days courtesy of one Melanie Marcus. Argument won, Brian had the cell phone he picked out FedEx'd to Gus the next day. The phone was programmed already with all of the important numbers, home, office and cell for him, Justin's cell, Cynthia in case he was in a meeting and Gus needed him, and so on. The bill would come directly to Brian each month, so Mel and Lindz had little to say about the cost.  
  
At first, Gus was just excited to have a phone. He called once a week and they talked about the new phone a lot. Brian explaining all of the things the phone could do and Gus telling him how all of the kids at school thought it was so cool that he had a dad that sent him a phone. After a few weeks though, Gus wasn't really sure what he was supposed to talk about and things were awkward for a few phone calls. But then Bobby Marsters was picking on him during recess about having two Moms and Dad was the first person he wanted. Dad was strong and tough and didn't get picked on by anyone. Brian spent a long time talking to him about bullies, being from a different family and being your own kind of person no matter what anyone else thinks. After that, they settled into a nice routine of weekly phone calls.  
  
Weekly eventually turned into every few days. Slowly that shifted into almost every day. That was where they were at the day the earth shifted for Brian. Gus was rambling on about his school day. The new school year had just started and he was still filling Brian in on all of the new classes, teachers and kids that came with second grade.   
  
"….Mrs. White is my homeroom teacher. She's just like her name! She has white hair! And Mr. Palmer is the new gym teacher, he's like really cool and Mrs. "  
  
"Wait, Gus, what did you say about your gym teacher?" A sense of déjà vu hit him like a wave of cold water.  
  
"Huh, Dad?"  
  
"Tell me again about your gym teacher."  
  
"Oh. He's new. He's really cool, too. He let us play soccer today!" Brian had to work hard just to breathe and keep his voice normal. He didn't want to scare Gus or let him think anything was wrong. And really what could be wrong? What was the possibility that it was the same person?  
  
"What was his name again?"  
  
"Mr. Palmer. Daaaad weren't you listening?"  
  
"Sorry, Gus. I was listening. I just wasn't sure I heard you correctly. It sounds like you had a really fun day at school. You think you'll like second grade?"  
  
While Gus went back to talking about every little detail of his new classes, Brian tried hard to calm his racing mind. There were a thousand thoughts and feelings jumbling around and he needed to get control of them. Organize them. Make sense of them.  
  
Eventually, Gus needed to get ready for dinner and they got off the phone. Brian headed straight for the liquor cart and poured a shot. He had cut back on the drugs and alcohol significantly since the cancer, but that didn't mean he wasn't badly in need of a drink now and again. This was definitely one of those times.  
  
Mr. Gary Palmer. He hadn't thought of that name in years, about 18 of them actually. Well, there was one night he came up, but not by name. And now there was a Mr. Palmer at Gus's school. A cold sense of dread crept up his spine.  
  
He figured the first thing he needed to do was find out more about the guy, like his full name. A few minutes on the internet and he found the web page for Gus's school. The newest members of the faculty apparently hadn't been added yet because he couldn't find Mr. Palmer listed anywhere on the site. He searched around a bit more but the name Gary Palmer was just too common to yield anything conclusive. He was going to need more to go on.  
  
He called an old trick who also happened to be a detective. Tom was great in bed, but even better at his job. Brian had used him many times over the years for "off the books" research. He knew he could trust Tom to find out what happened to the Gary Palmer he knew without raising any red flags.  
  
Cynthia cleared his schedule and booked a trip to Toronto for the following week. Waiting the extra week was going to drive him crazy, but they had a big presentation to make and he didn't feel comfortable passing it off at this stage of the game. Especially since he had no proof that there was anything to worry about - yet. Right now, the only thing he was sure of was his own past. There was nothing to indicate that the future was any concern.  
  
When Justin called that night, he tried to keep his mind on the conversation and not be distracted. It didn't work very well and he knew Justin would get suspicious if he didn't get off the phone. He claimed a long day and said goodnight.  
  
He tried to sleep. He really did. It just didn't work. He tossed and turned for hours, not able to turn off the thoughts in his head. When he finally did fall asleep, he dreamt he was drowning in the shower.  
  
Tom's report didn't make him sleep any better. It only took a couple of days for him to find out that Gary Allan Palmer, Susquehanna High teacher and soccer coach had left the school the year after Brian graduated and stopped teaching. Apparently, he met a nice young woman, got married and went to work for her Daddy's company. They were married for six years before filing for divorce. And didn't that just further prove his point about marriage? There were no children involved and after the divorce, Gary Palmer only filed one more tax return, but there was no death certificate on record or any other indication that he had died. So there was still no proof it was him, but there was no proof it wasn't either.  
  
Tom was ready to dig further, but Brian had him hold off until after he got back from Toronto. Once he visited Gus's school, he'd know what direction they needed to go in. That didn't make the waiting any easier though. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to fly off the handle and do something stupid. Like order up a hit man or go spend 5 hours at the baths. The ghosts of his past were coming back to haunt him and he didn't like it at all. Something that had seemed so fun and exciting when it was happening as a teenager didn't seem all that fun or exciting when he was looking back at it now as a father. Thinking about Gus doing the same things he did at fourteen made him nauseous. He wanted better for Gus.   
  
Justin was convinced something was wrong and threatened to come back to Pittsburgh daily. After swearing to him it was nothing like cancer or anything of that sort, Justin backed off a little. But this was Justin, so not much. He still knew something major was happening and he wasn't going to rest until he knew what it was.   
  
Brian was able to get Justin to promise not to do anything until after he came back from Canada, but he almost wished he hadn't. He slept better when Justin was home and he was exhausted. He just wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about this yet and if Justin came home, he'd have no choice. Dreams, nightmares if he were being honest, plagued him every night. One night he dreamt he had been locked in the shower and there was no way out. Another night he dreamt Gus was in trouble, but he was in this labyrinth-like shower and couldn't find the way out to get to him. By the weekend, he was dreaming of drowning on the soccer field at his old high school. He needed answers – quickly. There was only so long he could keep himself from doing something stupid.  
  
Miraculously, there were no flight delays or problems with his rental car in Toronto. He made good time to his hotel and was over to see Lindsay as soon as he had checked in. It was easy to convince her to take him over to the school. Gus would love to show his Dad around the school and show off his Dad to his friends.  
  
He and Lindsay waited outside the school until the bell rang and the children were dismissed. Gus came running out among his friends and Brian relished the warm feeling he got watching his son. Gus seemed to have such a warm, loving and fun childhood. No family was perfect, but Gus got to enjoy being a child and had plenty of people around who loved him unconditionally. It was the polar opposite from his own experience and Brian would never stop being grateful for that difference. He never wanted Gus to know what his childhood was like. He would do anything in his power to make sure Gus grew up better than he did – which was exactly why he was standing outside the school.  
  
Even though Gus knew Brian was coming to visit, he hadn't expected his Dad to be at the school and was thrilled to see him. Brian was introduced to dozens of kids he would never remember the next day. He made the rounds through all of the classrooms and tried to pay attention to each of the teachers, but his mind was really on just one. They were coming out of Gus's homeroom when the earth shifted again. Standing in the hallway, looking fit and handsome even though he was 18 years older, was Coach Palmer. Former co-star of the Most Famous Shower Scene since Psycho and current gym teacher to Brian's 7 year old son. Could his life possibly get any more fucked?  
  
He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. There was nothing but flashes of all of the ways he and Gary had fucked during high school.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"Brian?"  
  
"Brian Kinney?"  
  
They all asked at once. Gus, Lindsay and Gary. As he stood frozen in place staring at a ghost from his past come back to haunt him in this most unlikely and hellish of places.  
  
It took him a moment, but he managed to find his voice. He picked up Gus and answered Gary.  
  
"Yeah. You must be the Mr. Palmer my son has be raving about." He plastered on his best mask and stuck out his hand. Now it was Gary's turn to be dumbstruck. He looked at Brian and then at Gus and then to Lindsay and back to Brian and Gus.  
  
"Your son?"  
  
Gus piped in with, "My Dad came all the way from Pittsburgh to see me!"  
  
"But Gus…"  
  
"Lives with his mothers." Lindsay interjected. "Brian is his father, but Melanie and I are his parents."   
  
"Oh, I see." Gary smiled and recovered quickly. Brian could tell Lindsay was trying to decide if Gary was a business acquaintance or a former trick. If she only knew. "I know Brian from a long time ago."  
  
Brian wanted to head that train off, so he pulled out a business card and put it in Gary's hand.   
  
"We should talk and catch up sometime. I'm here visiting all week. My cell number is on the card, call me."  
  
With that he swung Gus around making him giggle and led Lindsay out of the school.  
  
The ride back to the house was filled with questions. The ones Gus was asking about Brian's unexpected presence at his school and the ones Lindsay was trying to "ask without asking" about Brian's relationship with Gary. He was only answering Gus.  
  
Dinner was quiet or as quiet as any dinner that Melanie unexpectedly found Brian at her table could be. As soon as the dishes were cleared though, Brian claimed he needed to get back to the hotel for some rest. Mel took the obvious jab about what "rest" really meant, but Brian let it slide and said he'd been traveling for most of the day and really wanted to shower and sleep. Linz shot Mel a look to quit. She was beginning to wonder if something was wrong and goading Brian wasn't going to help her find out what it was.  
  
Back at his hotel, Brian checked in with Justin and was trying once again to sleep when his phone rang. Surprised and annoyed, he checked the caller ID and almost didn't answer it before remembering that he gave Gary his card earlier with instructions to call.  
  
"Kinney."  
  
"Brian. It's Gary."  
  
For some reason, the familiarity unsettled him already.  
  
"I know." What exactly do you say to the teacher you used to have sex with who is now your son's teacher? Where were Miss Manners or Emmett when you needed them?  
  
"Are you busy?"  
  
"What did you have in mind?"  
  
"I'd like to talk to you. Can we meet somewhere?"  
  
"Come to the hotel. The bar downstairs."  
  
"What hotel?"  
  
"Four Seasons."  
  
"I'll meet you there in 20 minutes."  
  
Brian disconnected the call and used every bit of the 20 minutes to compose himself.   
  
He chose a booth in the back of the lounge that would afford them the most privacy and settled in with a drink. Gary arrived a few minutes later and Brian watched him cross the room. It brought back another flood of memories he hadn't dealt with in years.   
  
As a teenager, he'd enjoyed every minute of his time alone with this man. It was casual, it was educational (in a very off the books sexual kind of way), and it was fun. Gary Palmer had been young, handsome and the best looking teacher in school. Mikey had been properly scandalized when Brian told him about the shower incident and was even more shocked when Brian ended up seeing Gary again…and again.   
  
They had sex in Gary's office, the locker room, the shower and several other rather creative locations in and around the school over the course of four years. They didn't meet up often, maybe only once every few months, but it was enough. It probably kept it more exciting that way and certainly helped keep them off everyone's radar.  
  
What was kicking his ass now was that not once during those four years did he ever feel like a victim. Like he was being used or abused. He still didn't. But now, as a father, thinking about the possibility of someone having the same kind of relationship with Gus made him crazy. Gus would be a victim. He would see Gus as being abused in the same situation. There was no way he'd stand for someone even thinking about touching Gus and still being around to tell the tale. He couldn't reconcile the two at all. Having his past and his present collide like this was messing with his head in a major way and he was at a loss on how to deal with it.   
  
The only thing he was sure of though was that if Gary Palmer touched Gus he was a dead man.  
  
Gary sat down and the waitress took his drink order. "I have to say, I almost turned around and went back home."  
  
Always one to go for the throat when he needed to cover his true feelings, Brian said, "Why didn't you?"  
  
"I thought I might never get closure if I didn't."  
  
What the fuck? "Closure? What the hell do you need closure on?" Brian asked, genuinely confused.  
  
"Us."  
  
"Us!" Brian couldn't hide his surprise. "There was never really an us! We fucked. We were never in a relationship. How the hell can you need closure on us? I came here to make sure what happened between us never happens with Gus!"  
  
Gary paled, but took a deep breath and started talking.   
  
"What we did, Brian…"  
  
"You mean what I did." Brian cut him off angrily. One minute he was angry, the next he felt guilty because technically he had started their affair. His emotions were pinging all over the place and he hated it.   
  
"No." Gary said firmly. "What WE did. I was the adult. I should have stopped it immediately that day in the showers. I knew it was wrong. I never should have let it continue."  
  
"You certainly didn't see to mind back then and you had your dick in my ass plenty of times between freshman year and graduation. Why the sudden burst of conscience?" He was mad again now and tried to reign in his temper. Life was so much easier when you didn't allow yourself to feel!  
  
Gary sighed heavily. This was harder than he ever imagined. "I don't expect you to believe me, but it isn't sudden. I can understand your hostility."  
  
"Don't. Tell. Me. How. To. Feel." Brian ground out. I barely understand it myself. He added silently.  
  
"Fair enough. Just please, let me explain everything and then we can talk about Gus."  
  
"So talk. Quickly. I don't want to be here all night."  
  
"It's a long story, but I'll try to stick to the headlines. When you came along that day my life was exactly the way it was supposed to be. My parents were both professors, so they were thrilled when I went into teaching. I was young, doing okay for myself and I had a pretty good social life. Everyone in my family is pretty liberal, so any experimenting I did in college was easily rationalized as just being drunken, college experiments and I went right back to dating women."  
  
"My parents certainly aren't homophobic, but I don't think it ever occurred to them that their only son would do anything other than get married and make them grandparents."  
  
"Ah yes, the American Dream." Brian added sarcastically.  
  
Gary nodded. "Anyway, when you came along, it wasn't the first time I'd been with a guy."  
  
"Obviously!" Brian could remember their encounters vividly. Brian started out as a scared inexperienced kid, but he didn't stay that way for very long. He knew he had learned a few good tricks from Coach Palmer.  
  
He blushed, remembering as well, but continued. "You were the first time I couldn't rationalize it off though. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't in college. It was something I absolutely shouldn't have been doing and yet, I was doing it anyway. I could have lost my job or ended up in jail, but I still did it."  
  
"I could try to say it was the thrill of getting caught or the easy piece of ass." Brian tried to look indignant, but he couldn't really pull it off. Once he'd discovered sex, it'd been full speed ahead from that day on. "But especially after that last time after the graduation ceremony, I had to admit it was because at some point I actually started to want you. I wouldn't have been willing to risk so much or let you bend me over my own desk otherwise."  
  
"That's all very touching, but it's really not helping me feel comfortable with you being my son's teacher now."  
  
"Please, let me finish. I said it's a long story."  
  
Brian conceded and motioned for another drink. Once the waitress was once again out of the way, Gary continued.  
  
"You graduated and never looked back, but I had to deal with the feelings you left behind. I had let myself get involved with a student. A young, male student. It scared the hell out of me. I had never disappointed my family before and this most certainly would have done it. Both professionally and as their chance to be grandparents."  
  
"Why does everyone automatically assume being gay means you can't have kids?" Brian said to no one in particular. He would never be Ward Cleaver, but this "gays can't have kids" thing irritated him to no end. He didn't like to dwell on why.  
  
"It's a knee-jerk reaction. Much like mine after you. I immediately went into denial and doubled up on dating women. I ended up meeting a really great woman though at one of my father's alumni functions and we hit it off. Eventually, we got married."  
  
Brian scoffed. He already knew how that marriage turned out.  
  
"It turned out her father was a big wig with a drug company. I don't know if he thought it was beneath his little girl to marry a public school teacher or if he just wanted me under his thumb, but he offered me a chance to join one of the research teams. Even though I didn't like the idea of working for my father in law, it was just too good to pass up. I loved the idea of doing the research work. I wanted to be more than just a soccer coach for a while."  
  
"So what went wrong?"  
  
"A series of things really. As soon as we were married, everyone started talking kids. We managed to hold off for a while, just having fun with each other, but eventually she did get pregnant. I hadn't thought too much about my sexuality since Lynn and I were pretty good together. I didn't think I was missing anything at that point."  
  
Brian's dubious look told him what he thought of that.   
  
"Anyway, so she's pregnant and I was even okay with that, too. I was excited about being a father once I got over the initial shock. Were you involved with Lindsay's pregnancy at all?"  
  
Brian's horrified look was answer enough. Gary chuckled and looked relaxed for the first time all night.  
  
"Pregnancy does weird things to women and their hormones. One week she won't even let me touch her. The next, I can barely keep her satisfied."  
  
Brian looked green around the gills. "I really wouldn't know about that shit. Getting Lindz off is Mel's department now."  
  
"This is actually where you come in."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"One night, I'm in the shower and she decides to join me. Before I can say 'pass the soap', she's giving me a blow job."  
  
"Déjà vu?" Brian arched an eyebrow at him.  
  
"Exactly. Later that night, I started thinking about you and that day in the shower. I'd managed to lock those feelings away and forget about them. Lynn opened a whole Pandora's Box of issues. Not only was I thinking about men again, but I started thinking about that day from both sides. Being the guy on the receiving end of the blow job and being the father of the guy giving it."  
  
Several light bulbs went off in Brian's head. Not that Jack would have given a shit about anything other than the fact that Brian was with a guy in that shower, but this whole conversation made much more sense now.  
  
"All I could think about was how I would feel if someone did that with my kid. The kid that Lynn was carrying. And I couldn't get it out of my head. I lost it. For weeks I was riding a roller coaster of emotions and couldn't tell anyone about it. I was angry, guilty, depressed, I couldn't stand myself."  
  
Yep, Brian understood this a whole lot more.  
  
"Of course, I couldn't tell Lynn anything. How do you tell your wife 'I used to fuck one of my male students and I'm just now figuring out how wrong it was.' Things got very ugly and we ended up fighting a lot. I worked for her father, so things got tense at work. Family got involved, it got bad there. It was ugly all around. Finally, I started seeing a therapist. Eventually, things calmed down with Lynn and the family, but since I could never fully explain to her what upset me in the first place, we never got back what we had. Not long after that, she had a miscarriage and lost the baby."  
  
"Let me guess, everyone blamed you?" Brian had a starring role in that play, as well.  
  
"Got it in one. Even though the doctors explained every medical reason why she miscarried and why she was likely to miscarry again, it was my fault because of the stress of the past few months. Even I felt like it was my fault, so I really couldn't say anything in my own defense."  
  
"We each dealt with the grief in our own ways. She decided to go back to school and started classes. I threw myself into a new research project that was starting. Turned out that was the wrong thing to do."  
  
"Another student?" Brian guessed.  
  
"Co-worker. He was younger than I was, but very legal at 23. We were working on the project together. He had just started with the company. I found myself drawn to him and it opened up the lid I had kept tight on my sexuality. It took a long time, but finally we ended up kissing at work one day. It was a silly, cheesy moment, but it led to a very hot night at his place and that lead to an affair. Naturally, since I was working for my father in law, we couldn't keep it a secret forever. It was a long time before he found out, but of course, he was furious. He told Lynn and she said she had been suspicious for a while. She and I tried to make it work for a while longer. I think we really did love each other, just not the way we needed to in order to be married. Eventually, we got divorced."  
  
"What'd Daddy Dearest do, ride you out on a rail?"  
  
"Nothing that dramatic. I really didn't want to work for him anymore and he really didn't want me around. I thought a change of scenery would do me good, so I moved up here. It took me a while, but I got certified to teach here and I transferred to Gus' school when I moved across town this summer. I love Toronto and it's been great to figure out who I really am and live comfortably after all those years of denial."  
  
"So, does this mean I don't have to kill you?" Brian tried to make it a joke, but there was an underlying current that meant he was serious about his son's safety.  
  
"You have nothing to worry about, I swear." Gary said solemnly. "I never had another relationship like I did with you and once I thought about it as a father, I was so disgusted with myself. I can promise you it will never happen again. I am not a pedophile. I have never looked at a child like Gus in that way."  
  
"Glad to hear it." Brian visibly relaxed.  
  
"And I am so sorry."  
  
Brian tensed up again. "For what?"  
  
"For what I did to you."   
  
Brian mentally counted to 10 before answering. "I am only going to say this once. You DID NOT DO anything to me. Got it? I walked into that shower. I knew exactly what I was doing. You just make sure make sure nothing like that ever happens with Gus and we'll be just fine."  
  
Gary looked unsure, but proceeded anyway. "Brian, at the risk of you taking my head off right here in the bar." Brian shot him a look that should have done just that. "It was wrong. We may have enjoyed it, but it was still wrong. You may think you knew what you were doing, but you couldn't have. You were only 14! How could you have known? Look at what we've been talking about tonight? Do you want Gus to be having sex at 14? I should have stopped you and I should have stopped myself. Your parents should have had me arrested. I am glad that they didn't and that I was able to see how wrong that was on my own…"  
  
Brian couldn't stop the full body flinch, like he'd been punched in the gut. Gary immediately stopped before Brian lost it. He desperately tried to remember what he knew of Brian's family life from those years and came up with nothing. He quickly decided that maybe the lack of information was a part of the original problem, he changed tactics.   
  
"I can never undo what I did back than, but I can promise you it will never happen again. I will never have the kind of interaction with Gus that we had. I had a very hard time returning to teaching at first because I was worried about my interactions with students, but it's worked out for the best. I've never once been tempted with a student again and now I find myself watching out for the warning signs everywhere."  
  
"Enough!" Brian barked out with barely controlled rage. "All I need to know is that Gus will be safe."  
  
"I can promise you that I will look out for him at school. You have nothing to worry about with me."  
  
"Good." Brian motioned for the waitress again. He wanted the whole bottle, but figured he should wait until he got back to his room. Another shot would do for now.  
  
Gary wondered how he should broach the next subject. He knew he'd probably never get another chance to bring it up again.  
  
"I Googled your name once or twice after I moved up here. I wanted to see how you were doing, but I was too afraid to call you directly. I'm glad to hear you're doing so well."   
  
What Gary really wanted to know was how badly their affair had fucked him up. His therapy sessions had often caused him to wonder about the effect on Brian. He knew the impact on his own life. He had always wondered if he'd find out what had happened to Brian.  
  
"What the fuck?" Brian was desperately trying to get a handle on his anger and all of the other emotions this trip had dredged up and this guy wanted to be old buddies now? If he had trusted his legs to carry him out of the room, he'd have stalked off by now!  
  
Gary sighed. "I just want to know how you are Brian, really. How things turned out for you. I know what I read, but I'd rather hear it from you."  
  
Ah. He got it now. Gary must be Catholic. "You mean you want absolution."  
  
"No! No. I just want to know that you're doing well. That you're okay."  
  
Brian shot him the patented Kinney 'I know the truth, so you'd better just say it' look.  
  
"And I want to know that what we did didn't," he paused looking for the right words.  
  
"Destroy my fragile psyche?" Brian supplied.  
  
Gary laughed sheepishly. "Something like that. Seriously, Brian. I just want to know you're okay."  
  
"I'm fine. Now drop it. Gus is your only concern." Brian toyed with the empty glass to hide his nerves.  
  
The waitress brought over a final round and they discussed the school, the sports programs available, the athletic skills Gus seemed to inherit from Brian and the overall attitude toward gays in the area. Brian managed to drop in a few hints that he was more than capable of making sure no would find the body if Gary didn't follow through on his promise though.  
  
When he finally got back to his room it was late, but Justin would only be more worried if he didn't call.  
  
"Hey." Came the sleepy greeting. "Where have you been? You couldn't possibly have been with Mel and Lindz this late."  
  
"I was taking care of some business and ended up talking to an old acquaintance."  
  
"Really?" Justin didn't sound like he was buying it.  
  
"Go back to sleep, Sunshine. I promise to fill you in on all of the details later."  
  
"Fine. But only because I really am tired. I love you. Good night."  
  
"Later."  
  
Brian laid awake all night trying to reconcile the "talking" he and Coach Palmer did 18 years ago and the talking they had done tonight. He hated all of the conflicting emotions. He hated that Gary saw him as victimized kid. He hadn't ever really been a kid, had he? He couldn't believe that Gary actually brought Jack and Joan into it! They would have had to pay attention to him to notice for one thing and they never, ever would have had Gary arrested anyway. Jack wouldn't have wanted his Union Hall buddies to know his son sucked dick and Joan wouldn't want her church ladies to find out their family wasn't so perfect after all. No, Gary had it all wrong.   
  
Brian tried to relax and enjoy the rest of his visit with Gus. He felt like he was in a bad episode of the Twilight Zone at times and he wasn't sure he'd ever be totally comfortable with Gary in his son's daily life. He'd deal with it more when he got back to the Pitts. Having fun with Gus was much more important for the time being. Gary had promised him he'd look out for Gus and not touch him. Brian needed to believe he meant it.  
  
As easy as it was to fool himself, Justin was another matter. He knew something was up and it was harder and harder to put off The Big Conversation each night. He knew he was going to have to explain all of this to Justin, he just wanted more time. Like maybe a decade or two? It'd been so long since he'd thought about some of the things he'd done as a teenager. Having to look back at them now as a father was unsettling. It challenged his long-established ways of thinking and made him second-guess himself – all things he hated.  
  
He slid open the loft door and immediately knew his time was up. The smell of stir fry was in the air and Justin's shoes were inside the door. He couldn't help but smile. As much as he knew he was fucked as far as avoiding the conversation went, it was always great to have Justin home.  
  
After an enthusiastic welcome home kiss and dinner, Justin settled them on the couch with the lights dimmed. It was time to talk – like it or not.  
  
"So, tell me what's been going on with you. And don't even try to deny it. You haven't acted this weird in years."  
  
"Remember our first night together?"  
  
"How could I forget?"  
  
"Remember when I told you about my first time in the shower after school?"  
  
"The Most Famous Shower Scene since Psycho!" Justin laughed. Brian didn't.  
  
"His name was Gary Palmer. He's Gus' new gym teacher."  
  
Justin stopped laughing.  
  
"Oh shit!"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Does Lindsay know?"  
  
"Know what? That her son's current gym teacher is my former gym teacher and soccer coach who I used to fuck around with on a regular basis on school grounds? Ah, no. She doesn't know that. I'm still standing, Sunshine."  
  
"But that's why you went to Toronto, right?"  
  
"Yep. Gus was rattling on about the new school year and the new teachers when he mentioned the name and that he was a gym teacher and they played soccer. Naturally, it struck a chord with me. I tried to check it out from here, but I couldn't find anything that would prove one way or another if it was the same guy. I went up there to see for myself and to make sure Gus would be okay if it was the same guy."  
  
"Oh my God! You don't think…"  
  
"Relax. I don't have to kill him. Yet. He and I had a long talk. Turns out we had a lot more in common than I expected."  
  
Justin looked confused. "How so?"  
  
Brian hesitated. He still hated admitting shit like this, even if it was Justin. "You know I'll get it out of you, so just spit it out."  
  
"Fine. Brat. I started having nightmares after Gus mentioned his name that day. Every night it was some crazy dream that involved drowning or showers or the soccer field. Crazy shit, but it didn't go away until I had talked to Gary and found out he was having some of the same thoughts I was."  
  
"That must have been some conversation."  
  
"It was. I was losing my mind thinking about Gus doing what I had done. Turns out Gary was looking at things from a different perspective, too and wasn't any more comfortable with the idea than I was."  
  
"So he didn't make a habit of showering with students?"  
  
"No. Apparently, I was the one and only."  
  
"So, what is still bothering you then?"  
  
Brian smiled. Justin was still on to him.  
  
"I told him and I meant it, I still mean it, I never saw myself as a victim with him. Sure it was wrong. I could say that then and I can say it now, but I never felt like I was being used or abused. Hell, I started it!" Maybe if he said it enough, he's stop hearing Gary's voice in his head.  
  
"But…"  
  
"But I keep thinking about that being Gus."  
  
"And it isn't the same is it?"  
  
"Not even a little."  
  
Brian took a long time before continuing. This was the part that still kept messing him up.  
  
"I keep thinking about it as Gus' father and it makes me crazy. To think about some old perv doing that to him. Or worse, him doing what I did! All I have ever wanted for Gus is to have a better life than I did and strutting into a shower at 14 to blow your teacher is not it! He's supposed to know better. He's supposed to be better!" Brian was thoroughly worked up now. Justin began rubbing his arms to calm him down and wondered for the millionth time just what the hell was wrong with Jack and Joan Kinney! Where the hell were they when all of this was happening anyway? Justin vowed they were going to talk about this more, in detail, some other time.  
  
"Brian, relax. Gus is seven. He's not out having sex, yet."  
  
Brian looked at Justin and chuckled. Yeah, he was being ridiculous, but wasn't that his right as a father? The fact that he was sitting here talking about it instead of drowning himself in drugs and men at the baths spoke volumes about how far he (and they) had come since Justin had moved to New York.   
  
"I know, but he's my kid. He's bound to be a prodigy."  
  
It was Justin's turn to laugh. "Brian, it's wonderful that you're worried about Gus and that you want good things for him. You should. Someday though, someday in the future, you will have to deal with him having sex. I hope it's not going to freak you out this badly then. I suspect he's going to rely on you being the calm, level-headed one in that department. Lindsay certainly won't fit the bill."  
  
Brian groaned. "Christ!"  
  
Justin couldn't resist teasing him just a little bit more. "Gus may even be straight."  
  
"ARGH!!!! You mean I have to deal with het sex, too?"  
  
"Well, it's always a possibility, Brian. If he's gay, who better to come to for advice than Brian Kinney? But if he's straight, you're still his best bet. Of the men in our family, you and Carl are the only two who have had sex with a woman more than once." Justin could barely get the words out before dissolving into a fit of giggles.  
  
"You're killing me here!" Brian shoved at Justin trying to move the hysterical mass of blond off of his lap.  
  
Justin refused to move and couldn't stop laughing. "I suppose he could ask Emmett if you're too uncomfortable."  
  
"Enough! That queen will never give my son advice on women or sex or fashion!"  
  
"So does that mean you're up for the task after all, Dad?"  
  
"Ugh." For once, he let the double entendre go. "I guess I'll have to be."  
  
"But why let it go so easily? Why not turn him in or tell him to quit or something? This sounds awfully tame for you."  
  
"Believe me, it's not easy. I wanted to kill him at first and I did think about having him fired or telling him to go teach somewhere else."  
  
"So what changed your mind?"  
  
"Gus."  
  
"Gus?" Justin was confused! "I thought you didn't tell anyone?"  
  
"I didn't and I have no intentions of telling Gus." And didn't that bring up another can of worms, what was he going to say to Gus when he became a teenager and started asking questions about things Brian had done? "But I thought about how hard things are already going to be for Gus with two Moms and me for a father. I didn't want to make things worse by bringing unnecessary attention to him by telling the world that his teacher fucked his father when his father was a teenager. He'd never live that down!"  
  
Justin gave Brian a warm smile. I loved how much more open Brian was about his feelings for Gus. "So why not tell him to go teach somewhere else?"  
  
"I could have, but I decided it was easier to let him stay there knowing he'd better look out for my kid or lose everything. We talked and we're on the same page about our past, but he knows that if anything happens to Gus now, there won't be much left of him or his career. As much as I hate to say it, now I understand exactly why your mother hated me so much and why she did what she did. I mean I always knew, but now I understand. It's a different feeling."  
  
Justin took another moment to curse Joan to an eternity in hell. Why did Brian have to wait until he was this far along in his life to finally feel and understand unconditional love?  
  
"I guess that means we have to say we understand my father a little bit, too." Brian was so shocked he almost dumped Justin on the floor!  
  
Craig Taylor was still a very sore spot for both of them. Justin hadn't even spoken to his father in years.   
  
"I don't have to do anything where that asshole is concerned." Brian growled.  
  
"Think about it, Brian." Justin spoke in his best 'taming the beast' voice. "I am not excusing is behavior, then or now, but we just sat here talking about how upset you'd be if Gus were having sex with an older man. Pretty hypocritical, no? You had sex with me when I was 17 and my father freaked. He wanted to kill you. It's pretty much the same thing you're saying in regards to Gus."  
  
Brian did not like being compared to Craig Taylor in any way, shape or form. But he couldn't deny his reaction to the thought of Gary being with Gus the same way he'd been with Brian. "Is there a point here?"  
  
"I'm just saying that maybe it's a Dad thing. You love your son and you want what is best for him. You dropped everything and flew to Toronto to check out a potential threat to Gus. You're basically admitting that you're going to need a few years to get used to the idea of him being old enough to be having sex in the first place, much less actually doing it. And I know if you thought someone was actually hurting Gus, you'd probably dismember them with a spoon. All in all, not so different from Craig's reaction to my having sex with you when I was 17."  
  
Before Brian could protest further, Justin gently held Brian's face in his hands and stared deep into his eyes. He wanted to be sure Brian heard what he had to say. "Having said that, the similarity ends there. You adore Gus and he knows you'll always be there for him. He knows you'll love him and accept him no matter what. Gus is surrounded by people who love and cherish him for who he is. He'll never go through the things I did with my father with you." Or that you went through with your parents, Justin added to himself.  
  
Brian tried to look away. Jack and Joan coming back to haunt him again. "How can you be so sure? It's not like I have a clue what I'm doing here."  
  
Justin held firm. "I am sure. The only thing you need is to be willing to love that little boy. Everything else will work itself out. You'll see."  
  
"Promise?" He hated the neediness in his voice, but damned if he could get rid of it at that moment.  
  
"I promise. Besides, I love Gus, too. I want to be there for him in whatever way he decides he wants me to be there."  
  
Brian smiled. Justin was great with Gus and Gus adored Justin. He couldn't imagine Gus not wanting Justin around. And having Justin around to talk him off these ledges was going to make Gus's adolescence so much easier!  
  
"Gus is lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you." Brian wrapped his arms around Justin's waist and planted kisses along his jawline.  
  
"Oh, yeah? Tell me." Justin continued on with this precious streak of open, emotional discussion, or so he thought.  
  
"Yeah, someone needs to hide the spoons!"


End file.
